if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
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Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
nothing saves money like being antisocial
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!