This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
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[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.