I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
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Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Name another movie that mislead you?