My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
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[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Well, shit
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
happy mother’s day❤️
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Eating my way out of the ball pit.