Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
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Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you