Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
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When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.