[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
You Might Also Like
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice