me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
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[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Always a metermaid never a meter
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
the pigeons are already plenty salty
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May