Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
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I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Dance like you’re not the father
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts