[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
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I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.