We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
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Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Eat…
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago