Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
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6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die