hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
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Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Pickled cat.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
You wish you had this many chins.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified