The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
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Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.