When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
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My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.