Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
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[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway