Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
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Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
eating my hot dog hamburger style
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Something Saturday.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
monday
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
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