I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
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The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”