“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
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Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.