Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
You Might Also Like
Simple enough.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
be careful
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER