Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
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The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”