Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
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How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Breaking news:
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.