Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
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Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.