HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
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4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.