My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
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Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Y’all know who you are.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
my nickname in college
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
You are what you delete.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
*lint rolls you awake*
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down