My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
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Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Truth
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona