Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
You Might Also Like
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Liquor Store Parking
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky