[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
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ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Sorry I made promises on Friday
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim