If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
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Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Alexa, make me look good naked.
road rage
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.