My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
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I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?