In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
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Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting