we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
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A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.