*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
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wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
they really do be looking like this
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT