I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
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Based Erika
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.