Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
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‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
🤣
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Who.
Did.
This?
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
how was your vacation
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.