I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
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I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.