Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
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My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Time heals everything 🙂
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.