My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
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No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
3% human
97% stress
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats