My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
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wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Breaking news:
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays