♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
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Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that