“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
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Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …