I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
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Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm