Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
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[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
i will not be silenced
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.