i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
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Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Found my door mat
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Love this guy
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.