My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
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Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night