Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
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Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.