Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
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If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Moms. The original autocorrect.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
I have no passwords left in me
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
turning my gender off to conserve energy
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups