A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
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When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?