7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
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All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning