You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
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Found something new to say when I leave a room.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
smartest karate player in the world
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
emergency phone
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Why is everyone getting married at me
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
😩😩😩
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down